Suicide Note

That's it.
I'm killing myself.
No, I'm not going to kill myself in an
already-decided manner.
It's not like jumping off a building
when you've already tripped and
fallen off cliffs that leave you either
falling flat on your face in embarrassment or
falling to your knees in sorrow and anguish.

And neither is it like cutting
or even stabbing yourself with a knife
when you've already received sharp and
cutting remarks that often leave yourself
with cuts to your face and it hurts because
you don't even need a knife to cut and stab yourself
when you've been stabbing yourself
with every single mistake that causes you grief.

But I would rather kill myself
in a way no one notices.
I am killing myself, with almost
every night I sleep for less than 8 hours
I am killing myself, with sleeping in that
same old dusty bedroom for about 15 years,
with the phone next to my head
I am killing myself, by all the hours I waste in front of a screen
I am killing myself, whenever I overeat, or undereat
I am killing myself, with all those times I don't look both ways
before I cross the street
I am killing myself, 'cause I know I am not going to ace those exams with flying colours
I am killing myself, because I know how much I am ashamed of myself and what more of a shame to my own family.

I am killing myself
Because, well...
It's not easy, having to live a life
when you don't feel alive.
It's not easy, having to stay alive
in a life that feels
meaningful yet meaningless
at the same time.

There was once a time, where my death
was once predicted in a dream, to be at sixteen.
With my mother right beside me, she weeps, saying
"I'm sorry dear, we cannot save you"
but you don't have to be sorry, Ma
I'm already dying
I'm already killing myself.

As the days go past, as the hours go to waste
As the decades come and go in the blink of an eye
and as time seems to slip from the palms of my hands like sand,
I slowly deteriorate.
I slowly start to fade away like how we turn into bone and ash
on that very last day.
My sight is now getting more blurry just like my vision,
And being exposed to the loud sounds of this hectic life may threaten
my hearing away, just like how my listening abilities lack the means to
understand one's meaning.

Slowly, I shall fade
into the darkness of non-existence
when I have finally learned how to live
by killing myself.