And then there's motive.
How one differs from the other kind of intrigues me...
I have experience in the art of procrastination.
Not that it was done voluntarily (the reader might think this is utter bullsh*t and would do anything to give me a tight slap on the face). But yea, I have been living (or, more appropriately I would say, existing) for about 15 years 7 months and 19 days. And within this whole current life span of 15+ years, the one and only thing I have been doing throughout is the same darn routine every day, every week, every month, every year, every time, with of course some minor changes here and there....
And the routine? Wake up early, get ready, go to school, get homework, get more homework, get yelled at, go home, eat meals, rest, do homework, go to bed, repeat. Then the list grows with time with more subjects to handle, chores to do, more chores to do, a growing responsibility, and more.
Then comes this time (and certain others) where you stop to think: what is this? Why are we here? Why am I here? What am I doing? What is the meaning of life? What is my purpose in life? What exactly am I doing? And you'll think stuff like death, life on earth, life after death (and the possibility of it), the end of the world, the destruction of the planet, etcetera etcetera...
Then comes the next phase of it: meaninglessness.
I felt, what was the point of going through all of this bullsh*t when we are just gonna die anyway?
"Meaningless, utterly meaningless."
Complacency and procrastination are up next on the phase list.
Everyone, teachers and friends alike (including myself, on the inside), is fed up with me. Frustrated. Annoyed. Infuriated. Exasperated.
You name it, they were all the more enraged. They felt it like that. Me? I was just plain sad.
I know that at the moment, my studies (homework and revision alike, education in general) are my top priority and responsibility. But no, what do I treat it as? Side trash. Just extra random papers and books that I have to carry on my back for the remainder of these 2 years (now just 1 year and 2 months) of which I barely even touch (well actually I do, with very little effort). However, this big bag and the textbooks I carry on my hand will remind me of the responsibility I have as a student, and the honour I have to bring to my family (my parents especially). My teachers, my parents, and a friend of mine (who stood representative for the group of friends we had) all gave me the wake up call. They ranted, they nagged, they shouted, scolded...and it seems to be working. At least it had. My cousin gave me inspiration, my aunt gave me advice, my uncle, incentive and that friend of mine? Motivation.
She told me that they that whatever I thought about myself was wrong. Just because I said sorry doesn't mean I mean it...yet. She told me how my friends got fed up of even looking at me. I slept in class most of the time, my homework is scarce and I had been quite the irresponsible one in group projects, which made me seem a little untrustworthy. She told me it was alright, they still saw me as a friend; nobody hates me. But my actions are the matter that only makes matters worse, that of which irritated them. Her point was, if I'm really sorry, I should show it by making some effort. They know I'm trying, but needless to say, they still don't see it. She refuted my statement that "I cannot change anything about myself" by telling me that it was just plain crap and that I do have the power to just change myself, if I so choose...
It was really uplifting to see how many people in your life support you throughout your journey. But no matter how much motivation you get, the one thing that you need to change, is your motive.
I have a lot of motivation, really. Also, I'm pretty determined that I can make it further in this life. But I know there are things that I lack and things that I need to get rid of.
I lack perseverance. I can't even be disciplined enough to stick my butt to a chair at a table and do revision for an hour. No, I don't have it at all. I need to get rid of my complacency. Just the thought of being "good enough" will not get me far. Hopefully, I will set my mind on greater things so I can achieve more. I also have to deal away with my procrastination. Set my priorities straight this time.
My motive? Just to go with the flow, is it? Or to just leave things as it is? Or maybe I don't have a motive? Maybe that's why some things are so demotivating.
So now after this, things MUST change. I need to move on and fight harder this time. Most importantly, fight myself to overcome this stupid behaviour so I can bring honour to my family. And to live a better life.
I'm sorry I'm lazy. I'm sorry I'm stupid. I'm sorry I'm irresponsible, untrustworthy, and a sucker for sleeping in class. But hey, like you said Lynn, maybe I'm not sorry.
So now I shall say, I'm not sorry.
I'm not sorry at all. I'm no longer sorry. You have every right to be angry at me. But I will do my best to change, no matter how little it may seem. My changes may seem negligible to your naked eye but as time progresses I will build myself, little by little. I have my right to be me. Yes, I am lazy. I can be irresponsible. And needless to say, I am annoying. But bear with me. This will all come to pass soon.
And hopefully, though my words and actions may come to conflict or contradict each other (like how my motive and motivations do) I hope that this may not be another one of those empty, false promises I have made.
I'm not sorry.
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(but as long as we are friends, we should do what we can to help each other out, alright?)
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